Tearing Down the Walls: Step One

As the rain pours down soaking every inch of my clothing, I scoop up tiny bits of dirt and rock under my fingernails. My boots house shriveled feet searching in spite of their leather-bound casements for a toehold. Each rock is sharp and steep with only the lure being that of foggy mountain tops and hidden valleys. We continue to climb. Once on top, our suspicions are confirmed--all for nothing. My hypoglycemia has reduced me to a drooling, stumbling child awaiting an intervention. Each step is laborious as though the mud has turned to glue. Despite the misery, despite the seeming lack of a reward we keep going. It's out there--somewhere. Initially we were searching for a distinct destination, but that has changed. It's only me now, and I am struggling, losing, searching. For what?

The collapse of the Berlin Wall in 1989 is a prime example of a divided people. It is also an example of a people fighting for what is right and persisting in spite of persecution and repression. But what happens when we become divided on an individual basis? When we are no longer able to see beyond the walls we have constructed within ourselves? Who is responsible for this repression? Who is responsible for our freedom?

When I began planning this hiking trip, I envisioned it as more of a training hike for myself and an experiential learning process for my green hiking partner. I had no idea it would turn out to be a metaphor for the last year of my life. My journal lies untouched as my psyche continues to sabotage all thoughts and motivation. Major life decisions remain in the "undecided" category. Major works remain unwritten.

I turn to the rock and mud wall of my mind and watch as my fingernails scrape and tear away at the concrete that has hardened my thoughts and ideas. How do I get out of here?

As I rush back to that moment on the wall, my green hiking partner is talking to me begging me to eat. She forces me to eat and rest essentially lending me a forced hand. Time rushes forward into the present. The rain is still coming down like tiny bombs landing in our eyes and ears. The rocks are still jagged and slick, but I take my first step upward.

I take my first step in over 12 months.

I take my first step...


...in over 12 months...


...with the help of a friend.


What or who is it going to take to set you free?